It's been a while

Evening everyone! It's been a while. Between work and the kids and everything else I honestly haven't been focusing on writing or my own shit.

So here's a little update on me. I am now 22 weeks pregnant with my third baby and my husband is not happy about it or excited about the baby at all. It was not planned and I was actually about to start working for the prison and back in police work again when I found out that I was pregnant. It was a shock to me and it didn't necessarily make me happy either but it happened. I'm making the best out of the situation and I'm excited now about my baby. He moves a lot and he is growing very quickly. To be completely honest though it is really breaking my heart how not excited and not happy my husband is about us having another baby. He keeps making these snide jokes about us aborting the baby or that it's just a burrito that I ate or jokes about us giving the baby up because we already have one boy and one girl so we don't need another boy. He doesn't understand how terrible that is to joke about seeing as how there so many people out there that cannot have babies and we've dealt with miscarriage. I feel so alone and overwhelmed. It really sucks how after everything that we've been through and how hard I fought for this relationship how he just shuts us off every time he deploys or he's in the field or he's at Gunnery or he's at NTC it's like none of it matters or nothing that I feel is valid or I'm just being hormonal and he doesn't want to hear about it. Everyone else gets these text messages and phone calls from their husband about how much they miss them and how much they love each other even these people that fight all the f****** time and my husband has barely messaged me at all and if I do say something about the baby or about the kids or asking him if he loves me it turns into him not responding and not texting back at all. And not to share too much information but to be completely honest because that's what I do in my writing, we have not had sex in 22 weeks since we concieved this baby. Even if I joke or I asked him flat out about why we haven't had sex in so long or what I've done to turn him off so much it ends in a conversation about how it's just weird that I'm pregnant again or he's tired or he is sick or he's leaving for the field and it's like well that's kind of a good reason for us to be you to be physical at least one time but we'll see how it goes when he gets home, whenever he does get home. And if I talk about any of this with any of my friends it always comes down to well do you think he's f****** around on you? His response to that is always oh like I have time or finances to f*** around on you. But again to be completely honest if anyone did have time or finances to f*** around on anyone it would be him on me because I work all the f****** time but I take care of the kids. He has time to do whatever he wants cause he NEVER has to deal with the kids, in fact the one time he watched them he completely forgot he volunteered to and talked mad shit about me the whole time like it was my fault he had to change his plans for a few hours. Like dude, you told my babysitter that you had them then her and I both confirmed with you several times that that was the case then the day before you blank about your responsibilities as a parent? Cause let's get this straight, you're a parent not a babysitter. You aren't babysitting the kids, you are parenting. For once. I try to be fair and give him his credit for all that he does do and I give him his space. I am a very understanding and supportive wife but in then end I just feel neglected, taken for granted, and like nothing I do will ever be good enough for him. You can't make someone happy to be with you. No matter how hard you try or pray or rationalize every excuse after every excuse. I blame myself alot for everything that we go through. I'm actually really depressed right now. I pride myself on being a strong woman but I also believe it takes alot of strength to be honest about how shitty you really feel. And I feel shitty. I feel alone. Hell, the friends I do have here are all pcsing very soon and the one other I have through work just doesn't understand. Any time I try to confide in her about how shitty I feel or what I'm going through, all she comes back with is "well at least you have your husband like financially" and it's really embarrassing to admit but no, I don't have him for that either. Partially my fault cause I am such an independent woman and I take alot on myself cause I'll be damned if anyone tries to claim I don't take care of my own children. I do. However, him and I don't share a joint account, his bills are his and mine are mine. He has finally started really helping out with like household needs and groceries but I still try to provide the majority of that so he can't hold it over my head later. He still does in alot of ways. He's finally stopped calling me a dependa, at least to my face he has. I love this man more than I've loved anyone in my entire life. If it was any other guy I would have taken my kids and been gone already. I know I can do it on my own but I don't want to. I don't want his money. I want his extra time. I crave his affection. I want a happy family but sometimes it feels like that is just out of reach.

Keurig VS Mr. Coffee

I am an old soul, I guess. Or, sadly, I am just getting old. However, honestly, I cannot fathom or stand the keurig machine. I will never be the one to purchase it or the k-cups. I will gladly continue with my old school, full pot of Mr. Coffee!

I was just thinking about it while I opened a container of new coffee this morning. The beautiful aroma! I just cant get over it.

Like, why in anyone's right mind would you choose a k-cup over a scoop of beautifully ground coffee??? There are so many to choose from! Well, there use to be. Now I go to the grocery store and the aisle is over ran by k-cup boxes and the ground coffee or whole coffee beans are in one tiny section, on maybe three shelves; when before it use to be the full twelve or so. It is a bit heart breaking. The K-Cup is taking damn over and I am NOT happy about it.

Here is my argument against K-cups. Do you realize how much plastic that is? Especially for an avid coffee drinker? Dude, I can easily drink at least 4-6 cups of coffee a day. If I used the keurig, that would be 4-6 single k-cups every single day. That is, on the high scale, at least 42 k-cups a week, 168 a month, and 2,016 a year!!!!!!
A. Pollution. - that is a shit ton of plastic just off of the fucking k-cups.
B. That becomes EXPENSIVE AS FUCK!

So, then I get the argument, "Well Delta, what about the reusable k-cups? Duh!"

And to that I say "Fuck your logic because you are still having to buy an additional damn piece for your keurig machine that should come standard like a good ol' Mr. Coffee and then we still run into the same issue that the pre-ground or whole bean bags of coffee are slowly being dwindled out of grocery stores to make space for the wide variety offered in non reusable K-cups. BOOM BITCH!"

But, anyway, long rant brought to an end, I am VERY pissed off this morning and thinking about the capitalism and blatant mass market sucking of funds and induction of pollution. Please reuse, reduce, and recycle.

Little Women Dallas

Today, I ended up having some free time; so for the first time in a VERY long time I sat down to watch some tv. BOY OH BOY not a bad choice! I am laughing my ass off right now. It is good to see that my life is seriously not as dramatic and stressful as it could be! I am watching Little Women Dallas, and holy shit theses women are DRAMA! I cannot believe how much just chaos is in there little group. This show is exactly why I dont have a 'crew' or click. I have like one or two friends that I keep communication with and then the rest are basically acquaintances because I cannot deal with the caddiness and drama. Not would I want my friends to feel like I am bringing that much drama and chaos to their lives. Infact, I subconsciously pull away from people when I feel like I am becoming too much of a burden. Like, I could be going through the worst shit but just smile and carry on because thats my shit to deal with not my friends. All in all this is a good show but holy shit, personally I could not be in that group of women.   

Fitbit or Fit-Bitch

As I have promised myself about thirty thousand times before, I am promising myself again to start writing more than once in a blue moon again. WHY? Because, when I write, I dont feel like my head is going to explode from all of the stress and random thoughts swirling around inside of it. I know that there are thousands of you out there that can sympathize with me. 

Lets get to the point of the title. My lovely husband got me a fitbit blaze for my birthday a few days ago. Since then I have started a new job and realized that now that I have this tiny AMAZING computer constantly running on my arm (that may or may not be constantly sending not only shots of electricity through my arm but my constant location somewhere) but I have to actually be a fit bitch now! He didnt just get me a sweet, yet awesome birthday present. He gave me a subconscious 'challenge' to step my damn game up. 

Infact, I was talking with him yesterday about how some days I might even be able to hit the gym before having to pick the kids up from the sitter and he almost flew off the counter "YES! Work out!" 
Like damn..... Dude..... I knew I was out of shape from having the baby and then being very sick but I didnt know it was that bad. 

I am not saying that he insulted me or anything because it wasnt an insult. Literally, it is just a realization that I need to seriously and totally pun intended 'step up' my game. 

So, who else out there is a fit bit, bitch? I.e. fit bit's bitch. Yes....We are the little devices walking bitch at this point. This thing even tells me how I sleep, my heart rate, suggestions on when I should go to sleep, and constant reminders that I am not drinking the water that I am suppose to which is oh so lovely. Why cant drinking 7 cups of coffee count?  

Youtube anyone?

Good morning! (Or evening....where ever in the world you might be)

I am happy to report that our lives have been alot better here recently. Of course, there have been and will always be stress and we are working on dealing with that stress on a daily basis but I think that is why things have been getting better. My ugly boy has been settling into being a dad and back to being my loving husband/the loving, amazing man I fell in love with all those years ago. I realized that I was expecting way too much change and progression alot faster than what he was capable of. Not everyone can change and progress like I can because not everyone has had to constantly accept change and move forward like I have. Him and I grew up in 2 totally different ways. He had a very stable life growing up and had a different idea or perspective of what "family" is; where as, I grew up in a somewhat unstable home (constantly moving around and worrying about things a child shouldnt have to worry about) and viewing family as not only the people that you share blood with but who is there and honestly cares about you. I grew up in a blended home, I had an amazing step dad, I had best friends whose families became my extended family, and have dealt with more death than a young person should ever have to. So, my opinions and views can come off as condescending or jaded and his can be very close minded. All that being said, we have had some very strong conversations here lately, and I whole heartily view our relationship as being far stronger; more of a team. 

Also, in the last month I have applied to a little over 400 jobs. That is a literal number, not an exaggeration. Let me put it this way, I have applied to so many jobs that the job board website I use  literally has no new job postings for multiple positions that I am currently searching for. Like I will get a notification of a new posting and its not actually new, its just written in a different manner and I will go to apply, only to find out I have already applied to it like 3 days ago. However, I have FINALLY heard back from a few places. Ive currently had 4 interviews, got calls back on 3 of them for 2nd interviews, and 1 total job offer. I am excited about all of them, especially about the complete job offer I received. Its a store manager position and I totally thought that they had chosen someone else for the position. I even called the guy back a couple days ago to just thank him for the 1st interview and the opportunity. Thankfully, he called yesterday and was like um, no. We want to hire you for the job! YAY!! 

I cannot express how happy I am to finally be going back to work. Dont get me wrong, I love being home with my little wiggle worm but the life of a stay at home mom is just not for me. I need to be making my own money and able to stand on my own two feet. I am not saying anything negative about my husband with that statement either. He is a good provider, the problem is with me. I literally hate myself having to rely on another person financially. It takes so much internally to just ask for simple things because for so long I never had to ask anyone for anything. I was raised to be very independent and at the same time, through this military lifestyle, my husband has been shown the bad side of dependence. That its some how terrible to be a provider for your family and that if a woman is a stay at home mom, she is not actually bringing anything to the table besides bills. And in some cases that is true but not mine. I may not always have the house spotless or dinner on the table but the kids are well cared for, our animals are well taken care of, and the house isnt filthy. Also, never have I had him buy my necessities. I have always worked in some way to finance myself and the kids in that way. Its suppose to be a team but staying home to care for the family doesnt make me any less of a team member. 

Ugh, now I am talking in circles. Bottom line is that I am excited to be making my own money again and able to financially assist with our family and not just physically provide for them. 

In other news, the husband received ALOT of supplement samples in the mail. Super excited about that because he gave me most of them. So, now I get to try a bunch of different kinds of pre-work outs, protein powders, and thermogenics. I am not a moron, I know that I need to be very careful trying them out and never use them in conjunction with each other because they could cause alot of other issues and I do not want to get sick all because I was trying to get healthy and fit. 

I am thinking of doing a weekly youtube channel devoted to trying the supplements and my product reviews of them. I know that would help a bunch of people out there wary of trying the supplements themselves and/or dont have a shit ton of money to just drop on these things that may or many not actually work. 

Trying these supplements though means that I have had to stop breastfeeding. Made it almost 10 months, so I am very proud of that. However, I cant risk these supplements going through the breastmilk to him and with going back to work, it makes things much easier. Not alot of employers are breastfeeding friendly here in the states, surprisingly. 

Well, very long post to an end, who would watch my youtube channel? How has everyone been doing? Is there anything specifically yall would like me to write about? Write me! Comment below! And dont forget to subscribe =) Thanks for reading!