It's been a while

Evening everyone! It's been a while. Between work and the kids and everything else I honestly haven't been focusing on writing or my own shit.

So here's a little update on me. I am now 22 weeks pregnant with my third baby and my husband is not happy about it or excited about the baby at all. It was not planned and I was actually about to start working for the prison and back in police work again when I found out that I was pregnant. It was a shock to me and it didn't necessarily make me happy either but it happened. I'm making the best out of the situation and I'm excited now about my baby. He moves a lot and he is growing very quickly. To be completely honest though it is really breaking my heart how not excited and not happy my husband is about us having another baby. He keeps making these snide jokes about us aborting the baby or that it's just a burrito that I ate or jokes about us giving the baby up because we already have one boy and one girl so we don't need another boy. He doesn't understand how terrible that is to joke about seeing as how there so many people out there that cannot have babies and we've dealt with miscarriage. I feel so alone and overwhelmed. It really sucks how after everything that we've been through and how hard I fought for this relationship how he just shuts us off every time he deploys or he's in the field or he's at Gunnery or he's at NTC it's like none of it matters or nothing that I feel is valid or I'm just being hormonal and he doesn't want to hear about it. Everyone else gets these text messages and phone calls from their husband about how much they miss them and how much they love each other even these people that fight all the f****** time and my husband has barely messaged me at all and if I do say something about the baby or about the kids or asking him if he loves me it turns into him not responding and not texting back at all. And not to share too much information but to be completely honest because that's what I do in my writing, we have not had sex in 22 weeks since we concieved this baby. Even if I joke or I asked him flat out about why we haven't had sex in so long or what I've done to turn him off so much it ends in a conversation about how it's just weird that I'm pregnant again or he's tired or he is sick or he's leaving for the field and it's like well that's kind of a good reason for us to be you to be physical at least one time but we'll see how it goes when he gets home, whenever he does get home. And if I talk about any of this with any of my friends it always comes down to well do you think he's f****** around on you? His response to that is always oh like I have time or finances to f*** around on you. But again to be completely honest if anyone did have time or finances to f*** around on anyone it would be him on me because I work all the f****** time but I take care of the kids. He has time to do whatever he wants cause he NEVER has to deal with the kids, in fact the one time he watched them he completely forgot he volunteered to and talked mad shit about me the whole time like it was my fault he had to change his plans for a few hours. Like dude, you told my babysitter that you had them then her and I both confirmed with you several times that that was the case then the day before you blank about your responsibilities as a parent? Cause let's get this straight, you're a parent not a babysitter. You aren't babysitting the kids, you are parenting. For once. I try to be fair and give him his credit for all that he does do and I give him his space. I am a very understanding and supportive wife but in then end I just feel neglected, taken for granted, and like nothing I do will ever be good enough for him. You can't make someone happy to be with you. No matter how hard you try or pray or rationalize every excuse after every excuse. I blame myself alot for everything that we go through. I'm actually really depressed right now. I pride myself on being a strong woman but I also believe it takes alot of strength to be honest about how shitty you really feel. And I feel shitty. I feel alone. Hell, the friends I do have here are all pcsing very soon and the one other I have through work just doesn't understand. Any time I try to confide in her about how shitty I feel or what I'm going through, all she comes back with is "well at least you have your husband like financially" and it's really embarrassing to admit but no, I don't have him for that either. Partially my fault cause I am such an independent woman and I take alot on myself cause I'll be damned if anyone tries to claim I don't take care of my own children. I do. However, him and I don't share a joint account, his bills are his and mine are mine. He has finally started really helping out with like household needs and groceries but I still try to provide the majority of that so he can't hold it over my head later. He still does in alot of ways. He's finally stopped calling me a dependa, at least to my face he has. I love this man more than I've loved anyone in my entire life. If it was any other guy I would have taken my kids and been gone already. I know I can do it on my own but I don't want to. I don't want his money. I want his extra time. I crave his affection. I want a happy family but sometimes it feels like that is just out of reach.