Happy* new years

Happy* new years eve to everyone out there.

I really wish I could say that my new years eve will be spent happily with the one I love but I won't be. For the last 2 days I've been the plague to him and he wants literally nothing to do with me. I didn't even do anything to deserve it. Per usual he is freaking out and second guessing us, our family, and our marriage.  Maybe he's doing this because he's leaving soon or maybe it's because of the baby coming in a few months (not like it matters, he won't even be here).

I've never truly had a midnight new years eve kiss. Never. That's the one thing I wanted to share with him and because a couple nights ago he flipped out, he drank too much, and he wanted to act like a complete ass hat, I will be alone; again.

It's hard to believe this isn't my fault when I'm the one being treated like a lepper. I walk in a room and he walks out. Literally,  every single time.

I can't stop crying. Staying this stressed and worried that he's going to come home with divorce papers or just leave just isn't good for me or the baby. Everything I feel, the baby feels. Not like he cares....

So yeah happy fucking new years. It's just the same shit different day. I'm just not meant to have happiness or a complete family. Every year he shows me that basically and every year for some reason I have hope that it just isn't the case. It's always been my dream to be his wife, to have his children, and to spend my life with him. My dream however just isn't his. He regrets me. He regrets this baby. He just like everyone else is going to leave.

My own worst enemy

It seems like no matter what I do, it isn't right, it's nagging, it's pathetic, it's me being over dramatic, it's me just crying again, or it just isn't enough. I really hate myself right now. I don't feel like myself. I can't express how terrified I am that all of this isn't and won't be enough. He's just going to realize when he's gone that he doesn't want me and he's never wanted this family. He already resents me and hates coming home. I just want to make him happy. I just want to have a happy family. I want my kids to feel loved and wanted; they belong and neither one of them are mistakes. I love this man so much and he just doesn't believe it or want it. Maybe we have hurt each other too much in the past. Maybe I'm just a terrible person and don't deserve love or happiness or a family. Is it really so much to ask for a Christmas morning of us opening presents and being together? Who out there sincerely doesn't want that? This week has sucked so much and I'm trying so hard to stay strong, to not just break down every time I walk in the kitchen, to be sensitive to him, and to not cry because that's just me being weak. I can't do this anymore. I'm fighting so hard for us and for him but none of it matters if he is really starting to hate me. I'm going to lose him. He's going to leave just like everyone else and it's all my fault. Some Some days I'm the strongest women on this planet. I have his love. I have done everything right and I'm kicking ass. Then I have the rest of the days where I'm just less than. I am the reason for his misery. I am the reason why everything is wrong.

From the outside looking in you can assume that everything is great. It just isn't the case. You might think I'm crazy for trying to make this work; for not giving up. Maybe you're right. Maybe he's right.