Happy* new years

Happy* new years eve to everyone out there.

I really wish I could say that my new years eve will be spent happily with the one I love but I won't be. For the last 2 days I've been the plague to him and he wants literally nothing to do with me. I didn't even do anything to deserve it. Per usual he is freaking out and second guessing us, our family, and our marriage.  Maybe he's doing this because he's leaving soon or maybe it's because of the baby coming in a few months (not like it matters, he won't even be here).

I've never truly had a midnight new years eve kiss. Never. That's the one thing I wanted to share with him and because a couple nights ago he flipped out, he drank too much, and he wanted to act like a complete ass hat, I will be alone; again.

It's hard to believe this isn't my fault when I'm the one being treated like a lepper. I walk in a room and he walks out. Literally,  every single time.

I can't stop crying. Staying this stressed and worried that he's going to come home with divorce papers or just leave just isn't good for me or the baby. Everything I feel, the baby feels. Not like he cares....

So yeah happy fucking new years. It's just the same shit different day. I'm just not meant to have happiness or a complete family. Every year he shows me that basically and every year for some reason I have hope that it just isn't the case. It's always been my dream to be his wife, to have his children, and to spend my life with him. My dream however just isn't his. He regrets me. He regrets this baby. He just like everyone else is going to leave.