It seems like no matter what I do, it isn't right, it's nagging, it's pathetic, it's me being over dramatic, it's me just crying again, or it just isn't enough. I really hate myself right now. I don't feel like myself. I can't express how terrified I am that all of this isn't and won't be enough. He's just going to realize when he's gone that he doesn't want me and he's never wanted this family. He already resents me and hates coming home. I just want to make him happy. I just want to have a happy family. I want my kids to feel loved and wanted; they belong and neither one of them are mistakes. I love this man so much and he just doesn't believe it or want it. Maybe we have hurt each other too much in the past. Maybe I'm just a terrible person and don't deserve love or happiness or a family. Is it really so much to ask for a Christmas morning of us opening presents and being together? Who out there sincerely doesn't want that? This week has sucked so much and I'm trying so hard to stay strong, to not just break down every time I walk in the kitchen, to be sensitive to him, and to not cry because that's just me being weak. I can't do this anymore. I'm fighting so hard for us and for him but none of it matters if he is really starting to hate me. I'm going to lose him. He's going to leave just like everyone else and it's all my fault. Some Some days I'm the strongest women on this planet. I have his love. I have done everything right and I'm kicking ass. Then I have the rest of the days where I'm just less than. I am the reason for his misery. I am the reason why everything is wrong.
From the outside looking in you can assume that everything is great. It just isn't the case. You might think I'm crazy for trying to make this work; for not giving up. Maybe you're right. Maybe he's right.
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