Happy Birthday to me...

Happy Birthday to me...I'm officially 26 years old. Where has the time gone?? I don't feel older and I definitely don't feel almost 30 years old. That is a terrifying thought. Have to be honest I'm feeling pretty depressed. No one is in town, I am too pregnant to do anything fun, I'm completely broke because I spent all of my extra cash on my munchkins birthday present (which I'm actually proud of as a mother cause her smile is going to be amazing), and my husband is busy with work (I think) so I can't even be upset that the one person I wish so much to talk is just not available. I just want to cry or Curl up in a ball and just sleep this day away. I need to deep clean my house, I need to plan out a garage sale, and I need to plan my munchkins birthday party around the birth of my other munchkin. My family is coming into town soon and I'm stressed beyond belief.

I think my only good news is that my husband has been trying harder recently. He's actually been the one initiating conversations, asking how Nicholi and I are doing, and even promised to send some support soon. He even apologized and in a huge upset changed his Facebook profile to a pic of him and I. Which to him probably wasn't anything but I literally broke down crying hard because it's the biggest show of our marriage he's done (social media wise). I didn't ask him to do it, I didn't know he was going to, and it was a very pleasant surprise. It's the little things that hit us the most and social media is really stupid to get that emotional over but when you're freaking out because of how withdrawn your love is, those shows of unity really matter.

My cousin just came face to face (literally) with her husband's girlfriend that she knew absolutely nothing about. This woman just showed up at her house and was like "hi I'm so and so's girlfriend" to which my cousin was like " yeah and I'm his wife and the mother of his children". Even more terrifying they met on a site like kik and he had covered up any proof that he was married or had kids on his social media accounts and even completely denied them.

My heart, my body, my everything belong to my husband. That was part of my vows to him. It hurts more than I can explain that he would constantly question me or claim our child in my womb isn't his when he was conceived after we moved here and after we married. I got rid of everything connected to anyone I even thought of dating the day him and I said "I do". Which is how it should be. So, as you read in my previous posts learning my husband has a Kik and with how distant and just an ass he has been...all the lies about simple shit like bills; you can understand how terrified that would make me. Everything. The shit happening to my cousin, seeing the same trends in my husband, hearing the shit he's said to people we consider friends about me... I was at my wits end and then he made that small show of unity and it really calmed me. I needed to see that. This pregnancy has been so difficult and so hard, I hate that I need him as much as I do but he's my partner, my best friend, and my life. The thought of losing him not only terrifies me; it kills me inside. And, he's the only person (not my child) on this planet that has this much control over me or effects me to that point. If anything did happen to us, I know my heart would be forever changed. I would go on living for my children but he has my love, my dreams, he has all of me and he has no idea that he truly does. Very long story short and directly to the point without him My internal spark would die, so I cannot elaborate how much it touches me that he is finally trying for our family, for us, and I feel like my prayers are finally being answered.

Awkward

It's 2 am and for the hundredth time I cannot sleep and know that I'm going to have a weird day but regardless of that the point of this post is about how I'm watching Girl Code right now and the topic is about awkward situations. One specific one that came up was how it's awkward when you agree to go to a function or party and end up only knowing like the person who invited you to go or you went there with but everyone else is like BFF's. I can sympathize and understand how that would make some people have anxiety or feel awkward but I am just not one of those people. Crowds have never scared me. New people have never caused me anxiety. I have never been the shy girl in the corner, not talking to anyone, and feeling that awkward. I ALWAYS end up right in the middle of the crowd or dance floor or leading the discussion. I am just a very, very outgoing woman. I'll walk up to a group of people at a party and just flow with their vibe. One of the biggest reasons why I have always been that way (besides the fact I just have a very old soul) is because I know deep down EVERYONE is imperfect. They cannot judge me because they do not know me and if I'm wearing a smile o n my face and treating these new people with respect and how I want to be treated, generally that's how it goes. They smile back. We talk and hey, I might even gain some new friends out of that. If they turn out to be shitty people then it's no problem, I can just turn my smiley self around and go find someone else to talk to. One of the best examples of this was when I started classes about 2 years ago and although it was a college ild never attended, didn't know a single person in the room, and even walked in 10 minutes late cause I was sent to the wrong classroom number; I still ended up leading the class and having people buying to be my lab partner by the 2nd break. I even walked into class saying to myself I was going to stay quiet and reserved at least for the first week so that I can really sink into the environment and not feel like such an outsider but that lasted maybe 20 minutes after I walked into the class and started answering questions the professor was asking because it drives me crazy when no one does. They were simple, basic medical questions to me and I was like fighting myself over raising my hand or not. Never fight yourself over being yourself especially when it comes to your intelligence.