Happy Birthday to me...

Happy Birthday to me...I'm officially 26 years old. Where has the time gone?? I don't feel older and I definitely don't feel almost 30 years old. That is a terrifying thought. Have to be honest I'm feeling pretty depressed. No one is in town, I am too pregnant to do anything fun, I'm completely broke because I spent all of my extra cash on my munchkins birthday present (which I'm actually proud of as a mother cause her smile is going to be amazing), and my husband is busy with work (I think) so I can't even be upset that the one person I wish so much to talk is just not available. I just want to cry or Curl up in a ball and just sleep this day away. I need to deep clean my house, I need to plan out a garage sale, and I need to plan my munchkins birthday party around the birth of my other munchkin. My family is coming into town soon and I'm stressed beyond belief.

I think my only good news is that my husband has been trying harder recently. He's actually been the one initiating conversations, asking how Nicholi and I are doing, and even promised to send some support soon. He even apologized and in a huge upset changed his Facebook profile to a pic of him and I. Which to him probably wasn't anything but I literally broke down crying hard because it's the biggest show of our marriage he's done (social media wise). I didn't ask him to do it, I didn't know he was going to, and it was a very pleasant surprise. It's the little things that hit us the most and social media is really stupid to get that emotional over but when you're freaking out because of how withdrawn your love is, those shows of unity really matter.

My cousin just came face to face (literally) with her husband's girlfriend that she knew absolutely nothing about. This woman just showed up at her house and was like "hi I'm so and so's girlfriend" to which my cousin was like " yeah and I'm his wife and the mother of his children". Even more terrifying they met on a site like kik and he had covered up any proof that he was married or had kids on his social media accounts and even completely denied them.

My heart, my body, my everything belong to my husband. That was part of my vows to him. It hurts more than I can explain that he would constantly question me or claim our child in my womb isn't his when he was conceived after we moved here and after we married. I got rid of everything connected to anyone I even thought of dating the day him and I said "I do". Which is how it should be. So, as you read in my previous posts learning my husband has a Kik and with how distant and just an ass he has been...all the lies about simple shit like bills; you can understand how terrified that would make me. Everything. The shit happening to my cousin, seeing the same trends in my husband, hearing the shit he's said to people we consider friends about me... I was at my wits end and then he made that small show of unity and it really calmed me. I needed to see that. This pregnancy has been so difficult and so hard, I hate that I need him as much as I do but he's my partner, my best friend, and my life. The thought of losing him not only terrifies me; it kills me inside. And, he's the only person (not my child) on this planet that has this much control over me or effects me to that point. If anything did happen to us, I know my heart would be forever changed. I would go on living for my children but he has my love, my dreams, he has all of me and he has no idea that he truly does. Very long story short and directly to the point without him My internal spark would die, so I cannot elaborate how much it touches me that he is finally trying for our family, for us, and I feel like my prayers are finally being answered.