Fear

It is absolutely terrifying finally having everything you ever wanted because at any moment it could be gone. I have never had huge dreams. I realized early in life that the fairy tales are not real and I was not born in the time of gods; my name will maybe only be remembered by 2 generations if that. I know I'm insignificant and significant all at the same time. My life affects those lives around me but my ripple soon fades. All I've ever wanted was him. I was blessed with this amazingly beautiful little one from terrible circumstances and a period in my life I truly regret or I would if I didn't get her out of the mix but in all reality my husband has been my dream since my first day of high school. The day in which I stopped being a child and started realizing my place on this planet. I saw his face looking down at his psp/DVD player thing and fell so hard I should have died. He has always been my wish,  my heart finally whole, and it seems I'm just not that for him. Every other day it's like we are on the brink and I've ruined his mood and have no idea why. I want nothing more than to make him happy. My happiness, however, is not mine. He thinks I want all these things that I dont. A fancy house, a perfect furniture collection,   Yada Yada Yada. He thinks I'll fall for someone else when he deploys. He thinks I'm weak and pathetic and not totally devoted to him. NO ONE ELSE IS HIM THEREFORE NO ONE ELSE IS WANTED, NEEDED, OR EVER DESIRED!!! I wish he would get it through his thick fucking skull!! I want him and only him! I will be happy no matter where we are, what we live in, what car we drive,  or how many miles separate us for any period of time. He is my love. My heart. He owns my soul and my dreams. It's terrifying knowing and embracing the fact he matters and has so much control over me but I cannot deny it. I just want to grab his head and scream "why don't you get it?!?!?!"  Will we make the year? Will he leave me before then just like always before?? We have been together on and off for 10 years. Not a single one of those years have been a consistent year. He ALWAYS leaves and  throws me away like garbage. He always comes back later when he misses me but he never stays and he has the mind to call me paranoid? Of course I am. I am petrified.  Will he ever love me like I love him? Some days I see that he does and others like tonight I am fighting the tears and downing another sleeping pill so I'm not up for days scared of losing him and crying. They don't make rehabs for addictions to people and if they did I'ld be considered a habitual resident. He's my drug and there is no substitute.