My Sunday went so much better than these past few weeks. I went to church this morning and the sermon was something I really really needed to hear. God works things out that way. I go to this great little non demoninational place that is not only modern but it ties in all of the teachings of the bible that are normally left out of regular christian churches because it doesnt match this cookie cutter system they have going on. In reality, none of us are cookie cutter perfect little christians. Not even preachers or priests are without sin and thats one of the biggest reasons why I go to non demoninational churches who not only admit this fact but embrace it and embrace the bible as a whole. Its a wonderful book of teachings and lessons that still after all this time do fit into our lives. Yes, it was written by man not God himself, it has been widdled down by popes and priests to match teachings and gospel, it has been translated and some things get lost in translation but it is still a great way to not only cleanse the soul but to find some inner truths we are scared to admit.
That being said, the lesson from this morning was all about commitment, commitment in marriages, and commitments to God. See how it would hit me so hard after my last few posts...Like I was just meant to go to Church today to hear this lesson.
The preacher started out with his wife sitting right next to him on stage talking about how neither one of them are perfect, their marriage has been far from perfect, and him being a retired military man; he was once a wild man that didnt live a truly godly life and took advantage of his wifes love. (again hitting home really hard for me). She actually spoke on how commitment and marriage is very hard work, you have to work on it every single day and that no matter what happens or what your spouse does; even when you dont like them that day you must choose to love them because you chose to take vows to them before God and pledge your love. Love which is illogical and stronger than anything on this planet. They tied it back to the fact that God loves us no matter what we do and always allows us the opportunity to repent and ubtain redemption. Then before she left the stage she stated how no matter what we do, we cannot change people. We can change our actions and reactions but people must choose their own and you cannot force it. As a wife, we have a duty to our husbands to always try but they have a duty to us (as written in the bible) to love their wife as christ loves them. Thats alot of responsibility but if you give up the trying to control your spouse to God. Put the doubt and fear into Gods hands and allow him to work on your spouse. (again something I really needed to hear).
I know that its not my job to change my husband. I have never wanted to change him, I love him the way he is. I have always loved him for him but I dont love his actions at times. I dont like when he is cruel, mean hearted, cold, distant, or clearly doing things that a husband shouldnt do (like having a kik account....) But that is also not my place, according to the world of God, to judge. Wait what? Yeah, according to 1st Corinthians verse 13.
"Love is patient, and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends."
It finishes with, "So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love."
The preacher then broke that all down and really explained by in his understanding (and I really saw some of his points) how love really is the greatest.
First, what is faith?
We have to remember that faith breaks down in hard times and hell even in good times now a days because our generations get so caught up in how easily accessible everything is. Faith is not perfect and faith is anything but logical which is why so many people have such an issue with the very idea of it. There is a huge difference between saving faith and worldy faith. Saving faith trusts the eternal love of God. The love of God. Which again is not logical and if you cannot grasp the idea of faith at all its more than likely because you are trying to grasp at an idea of something that is worldy and not just trusting in a Love that is beyond the world.
Next, what is Hope?
Hope challenges our fear of injustice in the unknown and doubt. Again he stated how God will change your spouses heart. Not us. That hope is having patience. That we trust in our idea of something better.
And Lastly, what is Love?
Love is hard. Love in commitment must be equally yoked (meaning that the person you love should have similar goals and spiritual unity or your spouse will never be able to fully flourish in the relationship). Love is eternal, meaning that once you open your heart and take those vows it doesnt just end; ever. Love never ends.
I completely agree with that statement; love never ends. I have loved my husband since my freshman year. He has owned my heart and in so many ways my future for so long but both of us have terrible pride. Love never ended between us and it never will, at least it never will on my end. That is why it hurts so much when he second guesses our relationship and makes rude comments or tests how much I love him by saying things he knows will break me down instantly.
The preacher ended the service by asking what we are doing to pursue our love? How do we still pursue our spouses? Do you still take them out for nice, one on one dates? Do you comment on their beauty? So many people stop pursuing their love because they believe that once they are married, they have them. They no longer have to work on it. Which is the farthest thing from the truth. Our marriages are attacked every single day by temptation and lust for worldy pleasures. We have to fight harder to maintain that commitment and by doing so put our love, faith, and hope in God. Which means we need to make confession to God and to our spouses. God has always promised the assurance of Pardon and redemption and as a married couple we must remember to to do the same for each other. God will love us for all time and no matter how many times we mess up or push him aside, hes always there.
Which, again hits home. No matter how many times my soldier has pushed me aside, thrown me aside, messed up, said mean things, talked badly about me, disrespected me, or anything he has done; Ive always been right there to forgive, forget, and love him freely. I know I am no angel. I am not perfect. I have hurt him in ways too, I have said things I shouldnt have, and broke his trust before. We have done this to each other but my love never wavered. It didnt matter if I was being pursued by someone else; the second he called I was there. It didnt matter how much he broke my heart; I was there. Ill always be there because my love for this man is eternal and God brought us together for a reason. Im not saying that I am all of a sudden ok with his recent actions or that he hasnt really fucked in the past, but regardless of what he has done I must do what God has put into my heart to do. I must regardless of his actions love him even when I dont like him that day. I must give the fear and doubt I have up to God, change the things I can change in my own heart, and stop stressing about the shit I cant. Especially, with this baby on the way; I cannot be so stressed out and worried about all of the things going wrong that I have no control over. I have to have hope and faith that God will put it in his heart to be a better man to me and to our family, which includes my child and this baby on the way.
We did talk today but again he was very distant and messaged me in one word sentences. I sent him pictures of my baby bump but he didnt respond to a single one. He responded to pictures I messaged him of his dog....and then he told me about how they are all in trouble because some dudes got drunk this weekend and broke cerfew on base which is a huge no-no when deployed. No question of how my day was, how the baby is inside of me, or any interest in any of it. I should be upset. I would normally be in tears right now about how he has no interest in us but after everything today, I just dont feel anything about it. I dont know if the sermon just broke that wall or if Im just starting to expect this kind of lack of interest from him. Either way, I am just going to give it all to God. Im putting my hands up. Im going to continue to do what I am suppose to but Im going to see if he pursues his love.
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Monday, February 29, 2016
Saturday, February 27, 2016
Let me explain something
Let me explain something really quickly. I do not have this blog to just bash the people in my life. This is literally my only outlet to express the things that I cannot verbally. I am not the type of person to just complain over and over again about the same shit. What I do is I write to get out the emotions and all of the thoughts in my brain that are so overwhelming, I publish those thoughts, and I let them go. Writing has always been my way of releasing. If I bottle everything up, I just end up overwhelmed and depressed. As a mother and usually a working mother, I dont have time for that. I dont have time to be depressed and overwhelmed all the time. I refuse to take a bunch of medicine for depression because although it does help many other people, I know that I can snap myself out of that depression by getting out the cause of my depression. If I can get it out and then kick ass at my job and as a mother, than why take a chemical that would just make me a zombie?
Address the issue. Change the cause. Let out the pain. Move on. Juggernaught through it. Thats what I have done my whole life.
Not everyone can ust verbalize what they are going through, the pain that they are feeling, the cause of the pain, the people that are hurting them, the people they love and care about so much...In my case I just see that if I were to say the things that are hurting me so much it would make them more real, it would give that person more power, and in anger people can say some fucked up things. When I write though, I have to think about what is flowing from my fingers. I reread my statements but I also let myself be free to state the truth. Once I write something and post it, I usually dont look back. Thats not the point of letting it out. Years before this blog I would write journals. Sometimes, I still write in my journals but I learned the hard way that those journals can be even more trapping because on lonly nights when your brain is wondering and you are feeling that overwhelming, depressed feeling of insignificance and being so out of control of your own life, rereading those journal entries from your worst moments do not help. With this blog, I rarely ever look back. I know the words are there. You know the words are there. The world can see my struggle, read my pain, probably sympathize, and the comments and messages I get from people going through the same things are very, very soothing. I know I am not alone. You are not alone.
Here are my truths,
My husband hates our marriage. He hates me. He hates that I was a mother before he made me one. He rejects our unborn son deep within himself and will until he sees that piece of paper that says without a shadow of a doubt that he is infact his. Ive been a single mother for so long and even though I am married now, I am still a single mother and I have to provide for and think for my children and my future as if Im jsut a single mom. I fear that our marriage wont last. That regardless of how hard I fight, what I do, how many jobs I hold down, or anything I try to do that I will never make him happy. I keep getting smacked in the face with the fact that none of this is good or normal but I also keep trying to make excuses for it. It kills me inside every time hes says something like, 'well if you wanted someone who would do this than you should have married them'. I want him, Ive always wanted him. I want the man that I guess I made up in my mind, the one that my blinded love was so love struck by. I want the him that was loving and caring, that him that would never disrespect me, belittle me, hold a grudge to, who would protect me, shelter me, and love me freely...I miss him. I use to make jokes because he goes by 2 different names so that means hes 2 different people, one was a hateful, rage filled man that was an ass to everyone but some how was always kind to me, and then there was the other one that was always drunk but the drunk side really loved me. He couldnt keep his hands off me. He woudl wrap his arms around me and I was home. I was safe in his arms. I know he would never hit me and he never has but his words and his anger at the world is now directed at me and that hurts so much worse than his fists. What if our love isnt enough? What if we missed our chance at true happiness and my soulmate just isnt in there anymore?
I know that there are so mnay people out there that are going through similar situations. So many women that are like me, who refuse to give up hope on their family, their love, their marriages. I pray every day that God puts it in his heart to not walk away, to not give up on us, to see what I do for us, for him to be proud of being my husband and proud Im his wife and the mother of his son, and that hopefully one day he can accept my daughter....I put it in Gods hands. I mean he wouldnt have brought us back together after everything that we have been through over the last 11 years for a marriage that wouldnt last right? I have to believe.
Address the issue. Change the cause. Let out the pain. Move on. Juggernaught through it. Thats what I have done my whole life.
Not everyone can ust verbalize what they are going through, the pain that they are feeling, the cause of the pain, the people that are hurting them, the people they love and care about so much...In my case I just see that if I were to say the things that are hurting me so much it would make them more real, it would give that person more power, and in anger people can say some fucked up things. When I write though, I have to think about what is flowing from my fingers. I reread my statements but I also let myself be free to state the truth. Once I write something and post it, I usually dont look back. Thats not the point of letting it out. Years before this blog I would write journals. Sometimes, I still write in my journals but I learned the hard way that those journals can be even more trapping because on lonly nights when your brain is wondering and you are feeling that overwhelming, depressed feeling of insignificance and being so out of control of your own life, rereading those journal entries from your worst moments do not help. With this blog, I rarely ever look back. I know the words are there. You know the words are there. The world can see my struggle, read my pain, probably sympathize, and the comments and messages I get from people going through the same things are very, very soothing. I know I am not alone. You are not alone.
Here are my truths,
My husband hates our marriage. He hates me. He hates that I was a mother before he made me one. He rejects our unborn son deep within himself and will until he sees that piece of paper that says without a shadow of a doubt that he is infact his. Ive been a single mother for so long and even though I am married now, I am still a single mother and I have to provide for and think for my children and my future as if Im jsut a single mom. I fear that our marriage wont last. That regardless of how hard I fight, what I do, how many jobs I hold down, or anything I try to do that I will never make him happy. I keep getting smacked in the face with the fact that none of this is good or normal but I also keep trying to make excuses for it. It kills me inside every time hes says something like, 'well if you wanted someone who would do this than you should have married them'. I want him, Ive always wanted him. I want the man that I guess I made up in my mind, the one that my blinded love was so love struck by. I want the him that was loving and caring, that him that would never disrespect me, belittle me, hold a grudge to, who would protect me, shelter me, and love me freely...I miss him. I use to make jokes because he goes by 2 different names so that means hes 2 different people, one was a hateful, rage filled man that was an ass to everyone but some how was always kind to me, and then there was the other one that was always drunk but the drunk side really loved me. He couldnt keep his hands off me. He woudl wrap his arms around me and I was home. I was safe in his arms. I know he would never hit me and he never has but his words and his anger at the world is now directed at me and that hurts so much worse than his fists. What if our love isnt enough? What if we missed our chance at true happiness and my soulmate just isnt in there anymore?
I know that there are so mnay people out there that are going through similar situations. So many women that are like me, who refuse to give up hope on their family, their love, their marriages. I pray every day that God puts it in his heart to not walk away, to not give up on us, to see what I do for us, for him to be proud of being my husband and proud Im his wife and the mother of his son, and that hopefully one day he can accept my daughter....I put it in Gods hands. I mean he wouldnt have brought us back together after everything that we have been through over the last 11 years for a marriage that wouldnt last right? I have to believe.
SSDD as always
I wish I could say that things are better and in some ways they are because I finally got my tax return so, for the moment, I dont have to worry about being able to feed my daughter or keep myself healthy for Nicholi before he gets here. I have cleaning supplies finally so I can really keep my house clean. My animals are fed and will be fed for at least the next two months and that means that for the moment we are good. I dont have to sit here and stress or worry about that and most of all I dont have those bills hanging over me or being shoved in my face by my husband whom hasnt sent anything for support and even if he did would have made me feel like shit for having to rely on him.
I just keep sitting here and seeing all of the things that Ive been so blind to regarding him. Yesterday he messaged me to tell me all about some guy from his unit over there that got royally chewed out and laughed at by EVERYONE; all because the dude married a woman that not only had a kid but is currently pregnant with someone elses child, that he knew about when he married her. Obviously not the easiest situation in the world but who the fuck is he or anyone else to judge that mans family or his wife? He doesnt know what went into their decisions and neither does his command. And, in todays world, a blended family is not something to be ashamed of nor is it anything out to the ordinary. It happens. His views on men in particular are idiots for marrying or wanting to be with women whom already have children are so heartbreaking. Like this is how he also views our relationship. He thinks of himself as an idiot because I have a child thats not biologically his and he refuses to "invest" anything in her because shes not his biologically. BUT umm he was the one that told me that her and I are a pair and if he wanted me then that meant stepping up for her too. That doesnt mean that he can pick and choose when he wants to step up or when he wants to claim her. It is a bond that should be respected and he should never just dismiss her. She has it hard enough because her biological father is not in her life and is quite frankly a real piece of shit. He promises to call and misses the calls, he pitches a fit about seeing her but cant even send a birthday card or christmas present literally ever in her entire life. He doesnt send child support, refuses to infact. He is a sperm donor by any definition and my husband is the only father figure she has ever known, and hes turning out to be a real piece of work himself. I just do not want our son to get here and him treat my daughter like crap. I wont stand for it. I wont accept it. I wont let it happen. Period. With how he spoke yesterday, that fear keeps growing wilder and wilder inside of me. And, this is all an "if" he even really steps up for his son.
Today, he posted online how hes "surprised" by these females now a days and that a woman cant be an independent woman if shes living in "some niggas" house, hes paying bills, and hes the one taking care of the car, but that being said good job to the mf's that truly are holding shit down. See, and I cant go on there and point out his bullshit or he can come back at me on social media and point out how he didnt name names, and he wasnt talking about me and try to turn the shit on me like Im the one in the wrong. That being said, I am not the one in the wrong. On my last post I pointed out what bills hes truly paid and that this isnt his house its military housing and he wouldnt even have this if he wasnt married to me...so what in the absolute fuck is he talking about? Also, congradulations! Men are suppose to keep the car running! Granted if I had to I could go out there and figure the shit out but Im almost 8 months pregnant! Not suppose to be up underneath a car with this big baby bump! Also, Im the one about to dish out a shit ton of money on repairs hes supposidly already did on the truck, new tire, brakes, and everything so again.....what in the absolute fuck? At the bottom of all of this unnecessary, bullshit drama, I have to also ask what females, if he is not refering to his wife, is he talking about? We already know that, and he shared on facebook, he has this KIK account. Why if he is so busy with work does he need a KIK? Isnt that an app for like secretive messages? Youre married! Married men dont have KIK accounts!
IT IS LITERALLY the Same SHIT Different Day! Deployment doesnt mean that you can just do whatever the fuck you want! It doesnt mean your family is put on the back burner and forgotten. It doesnt mean you can disrespect your wife, step daughter, and son! It is hard and shit gets rocky but that is no excuse to be such an asshole. And when he gets back or even before then hes going to try and say that I havent been faithful or some shit; try to push off his own regret and anger onto me like Ive done something wrong. Well guess what?!?! I am one hell of a woman and I will not break my vows for no man! Regardless of his actions I am not a piece of shit! I sent him his damn care package, cost me $233 bucks to send his precious gear and xbox that he desperatley needed or he would get into so much trouble cause he didnt have it. He hasnt offered to pay me back for it. I knew he wouldnt. I knew I was being an idiot for sending it regardless of how shitty he has been since he left. But that is the difference between him and I. I will do what is right for my family no matter what.
It hurts to not be blind anymore, but this pain is giving me alot of strength. It feels good to be strong again.
I just keep sitting here and seeing all of the things that Ive been so blind to regarding him. Yesterday he messaged me to tell me all about some guy from his unit over there that got royally chewed out and laughed at by EVERYONE; all because the dude married a woman that not only had a kid but is currently pregnant with someone elses child, that he knew about when he married her. Obviously not the easiest situation in the world but who the fuck is he or anyone else to judge that mans family or his wife? He doesnt know what went into their decisions and neither does his command. And, in todays world, a blended family is not something to be ashamed of nor is it anything out to the ordinary. It happens. His views on men in particular are idiots for marrying or wanting to be with women whom already have children are so heartbreaking. Like this is how he also views our relationship. He thinks of himself as an idiot because I have a child thats not biologically his and he refuses to "invest" anything in her because shes not his biologically. BUT umm he was the one that told me that her and I are a pair and if he wanted me then that meant stepping up for her too. That doesnt mean that he can pick and choose when he wants to step up or when he wants to claim her. It is a bond that should be respected and he should never just dismiss her. She has it hard enough because her biological father is not in her life and is quite frankly a real piece of shit. He promises to call and misses the calls, he pitches a fit about seeing her but cant even send a birthday card or christmas present literally ever in her entire life. He doesnt send child support, refuses to infact. He is a sperm donor by any definition and my husband is the only father figure she has ever known, and hes turning out to be a real piece of work himself. I just do not want our son to get here and him treat my daughter like crap. I wont stand for it. I wont accept it. I wont let it happen. Period. With how he spoke yesterday, that fear keeps growing wilder and wilder inside of me. And, this is all an "if" he even really steps up for his son.
Today, he posted online how hes "surprised" by these females now a days and that a woman cant be an independent woman if shes living in "some niggas" house, hes paying bills, and hes the one taking care of the car, but that being said good job to the mf's that truly are holding shit down. See, and I cant go on there and point out his bullshit or he can come back at me on social media and point out how he didnt name names, and he wasnt talking about me and try to turn the shit on me like Im the one in the wrong. That being said, I am not the one in the wrong. On my last post I pointed out what bills hes truly paid and that this isnt his house its military housing and he wouldnt even have this if he wasnt married to me...so what in the absolute fuck is he talking about? Also, congradulations! Men are suppose to keep the car running! Granted if I had to I could go out there and figure the shit out but Im almost 8 months pregnant! Not suppose to be up underneath a car with this big baby bump! Also, Im the one about to dish out a shit ton of money on repairs hes supposidly already did on the truck, new tire, brakes, and everything so again.....what in the absolute fuck? At the bottom of all of this unnecessary, bullshit drama, I have to also ask what females, if he is not refering to his wife, is he talking about? We already know that, and he shared on facebook, he has this KIK account. Why if he is so busy with work does he need a KIK? Isnt that an app for like secretive messages? Youre married! Married men dont have KIK accounts!
IT IS LITERALLY the Same SHIT Different Day! Deployment doesnt mean that you can just do whatever the fuck you want! It doesnt mean your family is put on the back burner and forgotten. It doesnt mean you can disrespect your wife, step daughter, and son! It is hard and shit gets rocky but that is no excuse to be such an asshole. And when he gets back or even before then hes going to try and say that I havent been faithful or some shit; try to push off his own regret and anger onto me like Ive done something wrong. Well guess what?!?! I am one hell of a woman and I will not break my vows for no man! Regardless of his actions I am not a piece of shit! I sent him his damn care package, cost me $233 bucks to send his precious gear and xbox that he desperatley needed or he would get into so much trouble cause he didnt have it. He hasnt offered to pay me back for it. I knew he wouldnt. I knew I was being an idiot for sending it regardless of how shitty he has been since he left. But that is the difference between him and I. I will do what is right for my family no matter what.
It hurts to not be blind anymore, but this pain is giving me alot of strength. It feels good to be strong again.
Saturday, February 20, 2016
IVE BEEN SO BLIND!!!
Lets talk about some shit! I cannot believe I have been so blind and feeling so badly about myself the past few months, like I was being such a terrible person and hard wife to live with because I have needed to rely on my 'amazing' husband due to being completely fucked over at work because I am pregnant with our son! Well heres the truth,
He deployed and hasnt sent any support back nor will he until our son actually arrives.
He hasnt paid the electric bill (something that he has claimed to have done since we moved here in May and has holding over my head as a way to claim Im a 'dependa' and a mooch) BUT hasnt actually paid it EVER. So, even though its only a pro rated amount since we live on base, it has stacked up ALOT. If we were living off base, it would have been shit off already.
I found out today from his close friends that ever since we moved here he has been belittling me and slandering me to them, claiming that I am lazy, dont clean, dont cook, am a 'dependa', dont pay for own my daughters nanny, that he has watched my daughter all the time (and has used that as a reason to get out of work and other obligations), and even tried to say that I dont know who my daughters father is.. ALL of which are complete and utter LIES! I do all the cleaning in this house, I am not lazy and up until recently was working 2 jobs to support my daughter, this house, and our animals on my own and have only stopped due to getting fucked over at work because I am pregnant with our son! He has watched my daughter, his step daughter a grand total of 4 times since we moved here (all of which were because I was working on a saturday NO WORK FOR HIM) and retained a nanny (THAT I PAID FOR) due to his inability to be around kids. He cant stand kids. He cant stand my daughter. He hates kids. He has 'ptsd' and gets too stressed out so even when he was off work, even when it was financially difficult, and even when I was placed into immensely stressful situation, I had to leave her with a nanny or babysitter. So how in the fuck have I been a 'dependa' or a mooch??? He has disrespected me, our marriage, my child, and our son in every way shape and form. They also informed me that he has tried to claim that I have cheated on him numerous time (more lies, I have been completely faithful and loyal to him since the day we said I DO) and ever since we found out we were pregnant he has either pressured me to have an abortion, get a divorce, get an annulment, or tried to make me so upset to the point of almost miscarriage. Why?? Why do this to the woman you supposidly love???????
There is always an excuse as to why he cant communicate with me with this deployment but when he deployed last time in an actual war zone he had actually video messaged me multiple times. When I brought up the fact that other guys in his unit, whom are lower ranking and thereby cannot just pass off duties to other lower ranking people (and the fact Im not an idiot and know how much he actually works) he belittled his own friend and again tried to make me feel like I was terrible for missing him and wanting to talk to him and needing to hear from him that he actually misses me.
He stated that he would go the full deployment without talking to me, even though our son is due in under two months. That he would rather defect than come home.
I found on Valentines day, this 7 page letter he promised me months ago that he had thrown away, from his exgirlfriend, but instead has treasured it and kept it safe in OUR ROOM. It wasnt put up, it wasnt hidden away, or in any way a place that would be me snooping. Nope. I was literally just cleaning our room and it was there on the floor with clothes he had just worn, meaning he was just reading it again. So I burned it.
These arent things that have just occured. These are all examples of his continued mental and emotional abuse that he has been putting me through since we moved here, NO actually its what hes been doing to me since we met and I fell so hard for him over 11 years ago. Why?? What have I done to deserve a man that would use my love for him against me like this?? He knows I love him to no end, that no matter what I would accept his apologies, that I would forgive over and over again. He knows that I accept him for him and I see the good in him even when he doesnt see it in himself but has that all just me being blinded by my love of him? He is a terrible man! He is mean hearted and cruel in so many ways and I have been so damn blind. But now Im married to him, I took vows to honor him, cherish him, for better for worse, richer, poorer, in sickness and in health. I vowed to stay true, loyal, faithful, and virtuous but did he actually mean any of his vows? Has he meant anything hes done for me or said to me? Or was I just a very easy target?
I have literally been addicted to him, his essence, his everything for so long. I have given up opportunities, other relationships, other possibilities; all at the drop of a hat because he messaged me. He wanted me back and I was so in love with him thats all that mattered. The pain he put me through, the heart breaks, the lies over and over again, I just forgave and jumped right back in his arms. I took shame that I didnt even deserve. I accepted how little he thought of me and how low he placed me over and over again because I had him on such a high pedistal. I did alot of this to myself.
Having stated all of that, Im not going anywhere. I put everything into this marriage, I have our son growing inside of me, and I wont let him dictate me any more. He has lost all the power he had over me because I see all of his bullshit now.
He deployed and hasnt sent any support back nor will he until our son actually arrives.
He hasnt paid the electric bill (something that he has claimed to have done since we moved here in May and has holding over my head as a way to claim Im a 'dependa' and a mooch) BUT hasnt actually paid it EVER. So, even though its only a pro rated amount since we live on base, it has stacked up ALOT. If we were living off base, it would have been shit off already.
I found out today from his close friends that ever since we moved here he has been belittling me and slandering me to them, claiming that I am lazy, dont clean, dont cook, am a 'dependa', dont pay for own my daughters nanny, that he has watched my daughter all the time (and has used that as a reason to get out of work and other obligations), and even tried to say that I dont know who my daughters father is.. ALL of which are complete and utter LIES! I do all the cleaning in this house, I am not lazy and up until recently was working 2 jobs to support my daughter, this house, and our animals on my own and have only stopped due to getting fucked over at work because I am pregnant with our son! He has watched my daughter, his step daughter a grand total of 4 times since we moved here (all of which were because I was working on a saturday NO WORK FOR HIM) and retained a nanny (THAT I PAID FOR) due to his inability to be around kids. He cant stand kids. He cant stand my daughter. He hates kids. He has 'ptsd' and gets too stressed out so even when he was off work, even when it was financially difficult, and even when I was placed into immensely stressful situation, I had to leave her with a nanny or babysitter. So how in the fuck have I been a 'dependa' or a mooch??? He has disrespected me, our marriage, my child, and our son in every way shape and form. They also informed me that he has tried to claim that I have cheated on him numerous time (more lies, I have been completely faithful and loyal to him since the day we said I DO) and ever since we found out we were pregnant he has either pressured me to have an abortion, get a divorce, get an annulment, or tried to make me so upset to the point of almost miscarriage. Why?? Why do this to the woman you supposidly love???????
There is always an excuse as to why he cant communicate with me with this deployment but when he deployed last time in an actual war zone he had actually video messaged me multiple times. When I brought up the fact that other guys in his unit, whom are lower ranking and thereby cannot just pass off duties to other lower ranking people (and the fact Im not an idiot and know how much he actually works) he belittled his own friend and again tried to make me feel like I was terrible for missing him and wanting to talk to him and needing to hear from him that he actually misses me.
He stated that he would go the full deployment without talking to me, even though our son is due in under two months. That he would rather defect than come home.
I found on Valentines day, this 7 page letter he promised me months ago that he had thrown away, from his exgirlfriend, but instead has treasured it and kept it safe in OUR ROOM. It wasnt put up, it wasnt hidden away, or in any way a place that would be me snooping. Nope. I was literally just cleaning our room and it was there on the floor with clothes he had just worn, meaning he was just reading it again. So I burned it.
These arent things that have just occured. These are all examples of his continued mental and emotional abuse that he has been putting me through since we moved here, NO actually its what hes been doing to me since we met and I fell so hard for him over 11 years ago. Why?? What have I done to deserve a man that would use my love for him against me like this?? He knows I love him to no end, that no matter what I would accept his apologies, that I would forgive over and over again. He knows that I accept him for him and I see the good in him even when he doesnt see it in himself but has that all just me being blinded by my love of him? He is a terrible man! He is mean hearted and cruel in so many ways and I have been so damn blind. But now Im married to him, I took vows to honor him, cherish him, for better for worse, richer, poorer, in sickness and in health. I vowed to stay true, loyal, faithful, and virtuous but did he actually mean any of his vows? Has he meant anything hes done for me or said to me? Or was I just a very easy target?
I have literally been addicted to him, his essence, his everything for so long. I have given up opportunities, other relationships, other possibilities; all at the drop of a hat because he messaged me. He wanted me back and I was so in love with him thats all that mattered. The pain he put me through, the heart breaks, the lies over and over again, I just forgave and jumped right back in his arms. I took shame that I didnt even deserve. I accepted how little he thought of me and how low he placed me over and over again because I had him on such a high pedistal. I did alot of this to myself.
Having stated all of that, Im not going anywhere. I put everything into this marriage, I have our son growing inside of me, and I wont let him dictate me any more. He has lost all the power he had over me because I see all of his bullshit now.
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