Let me explain something

Let me explain something really quickly. I do not have this blog to just bash the people in my life. This is literally my only outlet to express the things that I cannot verbally. I am not the type of person to just complain over and over again about the same shit. What I do is I write to get out the emotions and all of the thoughts in my brain that are so overwhelming, I publish those thoughts, and I let them go. Writing has always been my way of releasing. If I bottle everything up, I just end up overwhelmed and depressed. As a mother and usually a working mother, I dont have time for that. I dont have time to be depressed and overwhelmed all the time. I refuse to take a bunch of medicine for depression because although it does help many other people, I know that I can snap myself out of that depression by getting out the cause of my depression. If I can get it out and then kick ass at my job and as a mother, than why take a chemical that would just make me a zombie?

 Address the issue. Change the cause. Let out the pain. Move on. Juggernaught through it. Thats what I have done my whole life. 

Not everyone can ust verbalize what they are going through, the pain that they are feeling, the cause of the pain, the people that are hurting them, the people they love and care about so much...In my case I just see that if I were to say the things that are hurting me so much it would make them more real, it would give that person more power, and in anger people can say some fucked up things. When I write though, I have to think about what is flowing from my fingers. I reread my statements but I also let myself be free to state the truth. Once I write something and post it, I usually dont look back. Thats not the point of letting it out. Years before this blog I would write journals. Sometimes, I still write in my journals but I learned the hard way that those journals can be even more trapping because on lonly nights when your brain is wondering and you are feeling that overwhelming, depressed feeling of insignificance and being so out of control of your own life, rereading those journal entries from your worst moments do not help. With this blog, I rarely ever look back. I know the words are there. You know the words are there. The world can see my struggle, read my pain, probably sympathize, and the comments and messages I get from people going through the same things are very, very soothing. I know I am not alone. You are not alone. 

Here are my truths,

My husband hates our marriage. He hates me. He hates that I was a mother before he made me one. He rejects our unborn son deep within himself and will until he sees that piece of paper that says without a shadow of a doubt that he is infact his. Ive been a single mother for so long and even though I am married now, I am still a single mother and I have to provide for and think for my children and my future as if Im jsut a single mom. I fear that our marriage wont last. That regardless of how hard I fight, what I do, how many jobs I hold down, or anything I try to do that I will never make him happy. I keep getting smacked in the face with the fact that none of this is good or normal but I also keep trying to make excuses for it. It kills me inside every time hes says something like,  'well if you wanted someone who would do this than you should have married them'. I want him, Ive always wanted him. I want the man that I guess I made up in my mind, the one that my blinded love was so love struck by. I want the him that was loving and caring, that him that would never disrespect me, belittle me, hold a grudge to, who would protect me, shelter me, and love me freely...I miss him. I use to make jokes because he goes by 2 different names so that means hes 2 different people, one was a hateful, rage filled man that was an ass to everyone but some how was always kind to me, and then there was the other one that was always drunk but the drunk side really loved me. He couldnt keep his hands off me. He woudl wrap his arms around me and I was home. I was safe in his arms. I know he would never hit me and he never has but his words and his anger at the world is now directed at me and that hurts so much worse than his fists. What if our love isnt enough? What if we missed our chance at true happiness and my soulmate just isnt in there anymore?  

I know that there are so mnay people out there that are going through similar situations. So many women that are like me, who refuse to give up hope on their family, their love, their marriages. I pray every day that God puts it in his heart to not walk away, to not give up on us, to see what I do for us, for him to be proud of being my husband and proud Im his wife and the mother of his son, and that hopefully one day he can accept my daughter....I put it in Gods hands. I mean he wouldnt have brought us back together after everything that we have been through over the last 11 years for a marriage that wouldnt last right? I have to believe.