My Sunday went so much better than these past few weeks. I went to church this morning and the sermon was something I really really needed to hear. God works things out that way. I go to this great little non demoninational place that is not only modern but it ties in all of the teachings of the bible that are normally left out of regular christian churches because it doesnt match this cookie cutter system they have going on. In reality, none of us are cookie cutter perfect little christians. Not even preachers or priests are without sin and thats one of the biggest reasons why I go to non demoninational churches who not only admit this fact but embrace it and embrace the bible as a whole. Its a wonderful book of teachings and lessons that still after all this time do fit into our lives. Yes, it was written by man not God himself, it has been widdled down by popes and priests to match teachings and gospel, it has been translated and some things get lost in translation but it is still a great way to not only cleanse the soul but to find some inner truths we are scared to admit.
That being said, the lesson from this morning was all about commitment, commitment in marriages, and commitments to God. See how it would hit me so hard after my last few posts...Like I was just meant to go to Church today to hear this lesson.
The preacher started out with his wife sitting right next to him on stage talking about how neither one of them are perfect, their marriage has been far from perfect, and him being a retired military man; he was once a wild man that didnt live a truly godly life and took advantage of his wifes love. (again hitting home really hard for me). She actually spoke on how commitment and marriage is very hard work, you have to work on it every single day and that no matter what happens or what your spouse does; even when you dont like them that day you must choose to love them because you chose to take vows to them before God and pledge your love. Love which is illogical and stronger than anything on this planet. They tied it back to the fact that God loves us no matter what we do and always allows us the opportunity to repent and ubtain redemption. Then before she left the stage she stated how no matter what we do, we cannot change people. We can change our actions and reactions but people must choose their own and you cannot force it. As a wife, we have a duty to our husbands to always try but they have a duty to us (as written in the bible) to love their wife as christ loves them. Thats alot of responsibility but if you give up the trying to control your spouse to God. Put the doubt and fear into Gods hands and allow him to work on your spouse. (again something I really needed to hear).
I know that its not my job to change my husband. I have never wanted to change him, I love him the way he is. I have always loved him for him but I dont love his actions at times. I dont like when he is cruel, mean hearted, cold, distant, or clearly doing things that a husband shouldnt do (like having a kik account....) But that is also not my place, according to the world of God, to judge. Wait what? Yeah, according to 1st Corinthians verse 13.
"Love is patient, and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends."
It finishes with, "So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love."
The preacher then broke that all down and really explained by in his understanding (and I really saw some of his points) how love really is the greatest.
First, what is faith?
We have to remember that faith breaks down in hard times and hell even in good times now a days because our generations get so caught up in how easily accessible everything is. Faith is not perfect and faith is anything but logical which is why so many people have such an issue with the very idea of it. There is a huge difference between saving faith and worldy faith. Saving faith trusts the eternal love of God. The love of God. Which again is not logical and if you cannot grasp the idea of faith at all its more than likely because you are trying to grasp at an idea of something that is worldy and not just trusting in a Love that is beyond the world.
Next, what is Hope?
Hope challenges our fear of injustice in the unknown and doubt. Again he stated how God will change your spouses heart. Not us. That hope is having patience. That we trust in our idea of something better.
And Lastly, what is Love?
Love is hard. Love in commitment must be equally yoked (meaning that the person you love should have similar goals and spiritual unity or your spouse will never be able to fully flourish in the relationship). Love is eternal, meaning that once you open your heart and take those vows it doesnt just end; ever. Love never ends.
I completely agree with that statement; love never ends. I have loved my husband since my freshman year. He has owned my heart and in so many ways my future for so long but both of us have terrible pride. Love never ended between us and it never will, at least it never will on my end. That is why it hurts so much when he second guesses our relationship and makes rude comments or tests how much I love him by saying things he knows will break me down instantly.
The preacher ended the service by asking what we are doing to pursue our love? How do we still pursue our spouses? Do you still take them out for nice, one on one dates? Do you comment on their beauty? So many people stop pursuing their love because they believe that once they are married, they have them. They no longer have to work on it. Which is the farthest thing from the truth. Our marriages are attacked every single day by temptation and lust for worldy pleasures. We have to fight harder to maintain that commitment and by doing so put our love, faith, and hope in God. Which means we need to make confession to God and to our spouses. God has always promised the assurance of Pardon and redemption and as a married couple we must remember to to do the same for each other. God will love us for all time and no matter how many times we mess up or push him aside, hes always there.
Which, again hits home. No matter how many times my soldier has pushed me aside, thrown me aside, messed up, said mean things, talked badly about me, disrespected me, or anything he has done; Ive always been right there to forgive, forget, and love him freely. I know I am no angel. I am not perfect. I have hurt him in ways too, I have said things I shouldnt have, and broke his trust before. We have done this to each other but my love never wavered. It didnt matter if I was being pursued by someone else; the second he called I was there. It didnt matter how much he broke my heart; I was there. Ill always be there because my love for this man is eternal and God brought us together for a reason. Im not saying that I am all of a sudden ok with his recent actions or that he hasnt really fucked in the past, but regardless of what he has done I must do what God has put into my heart to do. I must regardless of his actions love him even when I dont like him that day. I must give the fear and doubt I have up to God, change the things I can change in my own heart, and stop stressing about the shit I cant. Especially, with this baby on the way; I cannot be so stressed out and worried about all of the things going wrong that I have no control over. I have to have hope and faith that God will put it in his heart to be a better man to me and to our family, which includes my child and this baby on the way.
We did talk today but again he was very distant and messaged me in one word sentences. I sent him pictures of my baby bump but he didnt respond to a single one. He responded to pictures I messaged him of his dog....and then he told me about how they are all in trouble because some dudes got drunk this weekend and broke cerfew on base which is a huge no-no when deployed. No question of how my day was, how the baby is inside of me, or any interest in any of it. I should be upset. I would normally be in tears right now about how he has no interest in us but after everything today, I just dont feel anything about it. I dont know if the sermon just broke that wall or if Im just starting to expect this kind of lack of interest from him. Either way, I am just going to give it all to God. Im putting my hands up. Im going to continue to do what I am suppose to but Im going to see if he pursues his love.
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