2 stages

When I'm feeling stressed or depressed about something it always goes in 2 stages. 1st stage is I feel sorry for myself, cry alot, and I sleep as much as I can. (Which with work, kids, and furbabies that is actually not alot but still naps galore) and then there is this stage which is where I rarely ever sleep, wish I could cry but that's just not a possibility, and anger consumes what was pity for myself.

I don't like either stage. I prefer to focus on the positive and remain optimistic about the future. However, it just isn't something I can push aside. This feeling is overwhelming.

I cannot let it affect the kids though. I have to remain strong and focused. I have to achieve my goals, lose this weight, and get back on my own two feet.

Trying to stay positive

I'm trying really hard to remain positive. I'm trying to focus on the good things in my life and keep pushing towards my goals. It's just really hard to do when you keep getting smacked in the face with the realization that you aren't enough and most likely never were. That the one person you've always wanted to be it for just never really wanted you. Now there is no turning back and no only does he resent it he regrets you so much and it's obvious. Just once I wish he feared losing me. Just for once I wish he missed me like I miss him all the time.

He barely has conversations with me anymore and has flat out said that he's done trying but wouldn't elaborate on what that meant.

Literally this whole year I've had to fight to keep us together and it shouldn't have been like that at all. I shouldn't have to fight every single damn day for a relationship. Sometimes I understand but everyday I have to prove my worth for a simple conversation? I'm not worth a text? I'm not worth a "hey baby I love and miss you and was thinking about you and the kids". That's a wish. That's a dream that will never happen.

I really wish I could have got my kiddos without having to deal with the men connected to them. They've done nothing but hurt us all. I'm scared for my husband to come home because I just have this feeling that being a father just isn't his thing. Our family will never be complete. I never wanted a broken home for my kids. Regardless of the pain I feel, I don't want my kids jacked up because of their parents.

Coming to the realization that I will most likely always be a single mom, sucks. Being a single mom isn't necessarily a bad thing but damn dude I just want my family. I just want stability. I just want my ugly boy and he hates me. This isn't my dream life. I'm trying to reach my dreams but it's clear to see that maybe reaching for him was always a mistake. I'm getting beat down. He's breaking my spirit. I'm about to give up too. I'm almost to the point that I can't even cry anymore. My spirit and hope for us, my flame for us is dying.

He doesn't realize that once it's dead I never look back.

Legit with anyone else I would have been done and gone a very long time ago. I've been addicted to him. To his very essence. And now I'm seeing that it was a and always has been a one way street. I'm his ride or die and he doesn't want to ride or die with me.

New Directions!

With all the negativity in my life, I decided that it is time for some changes. The changed need to come from me. So, with that being said I have reimursed myself into an old love of mine! Weightlifting and coaching! I absolutely love lifting! And lets face it, half of my problems are most likely stemming from my lack of self confidence right now. Its normal after childbirth to feel really crappy about your body. I know. However, I refuse to be one of those women that do absolutely nothing about it. 

From here on out I will blog every single day with new workouts, meal plans, my personal development, and maybe even some silly videos of me and the munchkin trying the new workout plans. Trust me trying to do burpees with a 6 year old are hilarious! Not to mention when my 90 lb boxer tries to do them with me. I swear that dog is a horse! I love my bubbles so much! 

Below are links to my coaching website where I can offer you discounts to great workout programs, onDemand workout plans, awesome supplements, and delicious protein shakes that I can honestly swear by. I have been taking the protein shakes and using the preworkout for about 2 weeks now and I can honestly see a huge improvement in my health, happiness, and its even helping my breastmilk supply for the little one. 

Check it out and comment below if you have any questions or any workouts you'd like me to demonstrarte or talk about! 

http://www.shakeology.com/deltadubose

http://www.beachbodycoach.com/DeltaDubose

So I'm slightly depressed

What's the point? It doesn't matter what I say or do, no matter how hard I try, or how strong I keep myself. In the end I'm just a hassle. It's just another fight. Another miscommunication.

God, if it wasn't for my kiddos and my furbabies I'd probably be dead and gone. Nothing else has ever panned out or went right in my life. I'm too passionate. I try to hard. I push to much. I rub people the wrong way. No one actually cares about me or gives a shit. No one actually wants me around. That's why everyone leaves. That's why I'll always be alone. Even in a room of people I'm alone. I never should have reached this high or hoped for a family.

Although all of this wasn't for nothing. I was blessed with my beautiful baby boy.

The butterflies he use to give me turned into the pattering of little feet.

Somehow I will find a way to do right by my kids and give them a life I've never had. I will make sure they never cry like I have. I will make sure they feel strong and stable. They will never have to worry if they will eat that day or if there will be power or if we will have to move suddenly. They will never question whether or not I'll be there regardless of if their father is or not. Mom will always have their backs. Mommy will always defend them and fight for them.