Trying to stay positive

I'm trying really hard to remain positive. I'm trying to focus on the good things in my life and keep pushing towards my goals. It's just really hard to do when you keep getting smacked in the face with the realization that you aren't enough and most likely never were. That the one person you've always wanted to be it for just never really wanted you. Now there is no turning back and no only does he resent it he regrets you so much and it's obvious. Just once I wish he feared losing me. Just for once I wish he missed me like I miss him all the time.

He barely has conversations with me anymore and has flat out said that he's done trying but wouldn't elaborate on what that meant.

Literally this whole year I've had to fight to keep us together and it shouldn't have been like that at all. I shouldn't have to fight every single damn day for a relationship. Sometimes I understand but everyday I have to prove my worth for a simple conversation? I'm not worth a text? I'm not worth a "hey baby I love and miss you and was thinking about you and the kids". That's a wish. That's a dream that will never happen.

I really wish I could have got my kiddos without having to deal with the men connected to them. They've done nothing but hurt us all. I'm scared for my husband to come home because I just have this feeling that being a father just isn't his thing. Our family will never be complete. I never wanted a broken home for my kids. Regardless of the pain I feel, I don't want my kids jacked up because of their parents.

Coming to the realization that I will most likely always be a single mom, sucks. Being a single mom isn't necessarily a bad thing but damn dude I just want my family. I just want stability. I just want my ugly boy and he hates me. This isn't my dream life. I'm trying to reach my dreams but it's clear to see that maybe reaching for him was always a mistake. I'm getting beat down. He's breaking my spirit. I'm about to give up too. I'm almost to the point that I can't even cry anymore. My spirit and hope for us, my flame for us is dying.

He doesn't realize that once it's dead I never look back.

Legit with anyone else I would have been done and gone a very long time ago. I've been addicted to him. To his very essence. And now I'm seeing that it was a and always has been a one way street. I'm his ride or die and he doesn't want to ride or die with me.