Happy* new years

Happy* new years eve to everyone out there.

I really wish I could say that my new years eve will be spent happily with the one I love but I won't be. For the last 2 days I've been the plague to him and he wants literally nothing to do with me. I didn't even do anything to deserve it. Per usual he is freaking out and second guessing us, our family, and our marriage.  Maybe he's doing this because he's leaving soon or maybe it's because of the baby coming in a few months (not like it matters, he won't even be here).

I've never truly had a midnight new years eve kiss. Never. That's the one thing I wanted to share with him and because a couple nights ago he flipped out, he drank too much, and he wanted to act like a complete ass hat, I will be alone; again.

It's hard to believe this isn't my fault when I'm the one being treated like a lepper. I walk in a room and he walks out. Literally,  every single time.

I can't stop crying. Staying this stressed and worried that he's going to come home with divorce papers or just leave just isn't good for me or the baby. Everything I feel, the baby feels. Not like he cares....

So yeah happy fucking new years. It's just the same shit different day. I'm just not meant to have happiness or a complete family. Every year he shows me that basically and every year for some reason I have hope that it just isn't the case. It's always been my dream to be his wife, to have his children, and to spend my life with him. My dream however just isn't his. He regrets me. He regrets this baby. He just like everyone else is going to leave.

My own worst enemy

It seems like no matter what I do, it isn't right, it's nagging, it's pathetic, it's me being over dramatic, it's me just crying again, or it just isn't enough. I really hate myself right now. I don't feel like myself. I can't express how terrified I am that all of this isn't and won't be enough. He's just going to realize when he's gone that he doesn't want me and he's never wanted this family. He already resents me and hates coming home. I just want to make him happy. I just want to have a happy family. I want my kids to feel loved and wanted; they belong and neither one of them are mistakes. I love this man so much and he just doesn't believe it or want it. Maybe we have hurt each other too much in the past. Maybe I'm just a terrible person and don't deserve love or happiness or a family. Is it really so much to ask for a Christmas morning of us opening presents and being together? Who out there sincerely doesn't want that? This week has sucked so much and I'm trying so hard to stay strong, to not just break down every time I walk in the kitchen, to be sensitive to him, and to not cry because that's just me being weak. I can't do this anymore. I'm fighting so hard for us and for him but none of it matters if he is really starting to hate me. I'm going to lose him. He's going to leave just like everyone else and it's all my fault. Some Some days I'm the strongest women on this planet. I have his love. I have done everything right and I'm kicking ass. Then I have the rest of the days where I'm just less than. I am the reason for his misery. I am the reason why everything is wrong.

From the outside looking in you can assume that everything is great. It just isn't the case. You might think I'm crazy for trying to make this work; for not giving up. Maybe you're right. Maybe he's right.

1st year

They say the first year of marriage is always the hardest, even if you've been together for a long time and boy they were right. This hasn't specifically been hell but it's been really tough and we are only a few months in. And to top it off I'm pregnant. Just found out and I know he doesn't want kids, hell he doesn't even accept my daughter. He says he loves her and that her and I were a package deal and he knew that going in but the past couple days have been really hard. He flat out said that he "can't" be her dad and isnt going to deal with her anymore. Which made me really heart broken and think, well will you be able.to handle your kid? You can't raise them like that! My daughter will always feel left out. I'm so hurt and let down.. I never expected him to adopt her but I also never expected him to treat her like this. I'm still a single mom if we life like this and she gets the terrible end of the stick. Her own father doesn't do shit for her or give a shit or try and now her step dad is throwing his hands up in the air?!? She doesn't deserve that and I truly believed he was a better man than this. If it comes down to it yes, I will raise my kids on my own regardless of what any man wants to say. But I am immensely heart broken that that thought even has to cross my brain when him and I are only a few months onto the marriage and have been together for 10 ish years on and off. The other thing that has between a rock and a hard place is the fact that now I'm working 2 jobs because he doesn't want a "dependa" and no matter my history with work, paying bills, the fact I've been a working single mom for 5 years and have 4 degrees; someone somewhere has him all freaked that I'm just as princess that needs his money. I don't but that's also not how a marriage should go. I don't know anyone else that is so scared of their man leaving because someone somewhere views them as a "dependa" (even if their not) but that is my daily life. Believe it or not I like having my own money and paying bills. But anyway he wasn't happy with my job so I got another one. He now isn't happy with how much I'm away from home and needing to rely on him for picking up the munchkin.
I am in a Damned if I do, damned if I don't situation and scared all the time that he is going to divorce me just because he can't handle the stress of having a family.

Just had to vent....
I love this man more than I could ever explain. He's all I've ever wanted. Why does it have to be this hard?

Better

Hello all! I am very happy to report that all of my fear from the last post was all in my head. My husband loves me so very much and was just very stressed out due to other matters. Marriage is a day by day battle against everything surrounding you, so its very important to have good things surrounding you. 

Currently, I am on the job hunt once again because although I am working back at GameStop, I went to school for dental and I want to work in Dental. No where is hiring around me so I might have to make the trip to Austin every day. For those of you not in the US, Austin is about an hour and 45 minutes away from me. That also means I need to get a more gas efficient car.....must do one thing to do another.....so very frustrating. So, do I stay working where I am at for a while and save up for another car/get my debt back under control or do I try to get another car in the process so I can make more money and there by get my debt under control quicker?? I cant adult! I hate it! Well, that is a lie,  I can and I will because that is just who I am and I will rock this shit out. 

No other news to report...just bored before work. 

Fear

It is absolutely terrifying finally having everything you ever wanted because at any moment it could be gone. I have never had huge dreams. I realized early in life that the fairy tales are not real and I was not born in the time of gods; my name will maybe only be remembered by 2 generations if that. I know I'm insignificant and significant all at the same time. My life affects those lives around me but my ripple soon fades. All I've ever wanted was him. I was blessed with this amazingly beautiful little one from terrible circumstances and a period in my life I truly regret or I would if I didn't get her out of the mix but in all reality my husband has been my dream since my first day of high school. The day in which I stopped being a child and started realizing my place on this planet. I saw his face looking down at his psp/DVD player thing and fell so hard I should have died. He has always been my wish,  my heart finally whole, and it seems I'm just not that for him. Every other day it's like we are on the brink and I've ruined his mood and have no idea why. I want nothing more than to make him happy. My happiness, however, is not mine. He thinks I want all these things that I dont. A fancy house, a perfect furniture collection,   Yada Yada Yada. He thinks I'll fall for someone else when he deploys. He thinks I'm weak and pathetic and not totally devoted to him. NO ONE ELSE IS HIM THEREFORE NO ONE ELSE IS WANTED, NEEDED, OR EVER DESIRED!!! I wish he would get it through his thick fucking skull!! I want him and only him! I will be happy no matter where we are, what we live in, what car we drive,  or how many miles separate us for any period of time. He is my love. My heart. He owns my soul and my dreams. It's terrifying knowing and embracing the fact he matters and has so much control over me but I cannot deny it. I just want to grab his head and scream "why don't you get it?!?!?!"  Will we make the year? Will he leave me before then just like always before?? We have been together on and off for 10 years. Not a single one of those years have been a consistent year. He ALWAYS leaves and  throws me away like garbage. He always comes back later when he misses me but he never stays and he has the mind to call me paranoid? Of course I am. I am petrified.  Will he ever love me like I love him? Some days I see that he does and others like tonight I am fighting the tears and downing another sleeping pill so I'm not up for days scared of losing him and crying. They don't make rehabs for addictions to people and if they did I'ld be considered a habitual resident. He's my drug and there is no substitute. 

From completely gray day to shit in 2.5

To say the least I had a great day. Woke up early, cleaned the house (and majority kicked ass at it), did something daring with my hair, and was named captain of a volley ball team that just formed. I also sold some stuff so I was able to put gas in the truck and buy somethings needed before I get my paycheck on friday but all of that gets over shadowed by stupid misconception.  My husband gets home and I've had 2 of my girl friends over today. Apparently my daughter said I had 'the guys over' and he took that literal as I've had men over to the house WHICH I HAVE NOT NOR WOULD I! But that doesn't matter. He doesn't trust me, he doesn't trust anyone, and I'm just like all the other cheating, lying, and bullshit dependa wives around?!?!? This is bullshit!! I haven't done anything. I haven't had anyone over to the house and even when I offer up my phone and Facebook as proof of what actually happened today and that my daughter just used a poor choice of words and that it's completely understandable seeing that she is 5!?! Nope. He doesn't want it and I'd currently sleeping on the couch instead of in our bed and wouldn't even kiss me good night. I'm not going to lie, things have been tough since we moved and there has been some tension between us but I really thought things were getting better. Now I'm sitting on the floor in my room, staring at my turtle tank trying not to cry and failing miserably. Every other day I expect it to be like just before we got married and him decide he doesn't want me anymore. Everyday I'm waiting for him to throw me away like garbage again praying that he won't and trying my damndest to help make things better, keep the house beautiful, keep everyone happy, and try at much as possible to take the stress off of him because he has enough and I live him so much I don't want it all on him. And, everyday it seems like I fail or in a brief moment I don't and then I'm shot down the next because some other dude got cheated on in his unit or stupid shit like this happens and now every bit of work we have done to grow our relationship is just shit again. I just want to curl up in a ball and bawl. Not just cry but bawl my damn eyes out. When is he going to leave me? When can I feel comfortable and secure? When will I be what he wants and know I'm not just one wrong word away from divorce papers? All I want is him. All I've ever wanted is him!

GameStop

I now have officially 2 jobs and although I am really thankful for them but I am also still very stressed and not on my feet yet. I really hate being even thought of as a 'dependa' because I am not! Its so aggravating and a bit embarrassing to be lodged into that category even though I really didnt have a choice in the matter for a few weeks. Moving here meant I had to quit my old job back in El Paso and then put in a hundred applications here, which is the life of any military wife or husband so I am not complaining. I am simply stating that it is frustrating. Especially, when you are looking for work in a specific field like oral surgery and there happens to only be so many dental offices with that specialty. 

Well, back to the original topic at hand. My second job is actually one of my old jobs. I am working back as gamestop and although it really sucks because I spent all this money on a new degree and I absolutely love dentistry, I am also kind of happy and excited about it. Its a job that I dont have to really train in because I know most everything, its super easy, and far less stressful. 

So some funny stuff that has happened so far. Before, I was an ASM for the store I was working at in Florida and in order for me to be hired on here and taking over for an ASM that is leaving I had to be hired on as a SGA which is a major step down but they all know my experience so I am not treated like an SGA and I do far more than an SGA. However, one ASM that I have worked with is seriously butt hurt about how much I make (he shouldnt have seen that information but got CC'd on my hiring docs somehow) and has made it a point to try and make me feel like a regular GA not even an SGA. He even tried to explain to me how to alphabetize the games (like I didnt know that it goes A-Z). Apparently, he thinks that I was hired to take his job from him. Which I wasnt. I am replacing someone else entirely. Thursday he was a major prick, friday I worked with the main manager and actually walked in on him being chewed out because he demanded his promotion, and today he was in a bad mood when I first walked in but was eventually cool cause I never let it bother me. Instead I did my job, kicked ass, and went above and beyond like I always do with everything. 

I am a very outgoing and hardworking person. I also dont believe in working as if you only need to follow the "not my job/not in my job description" moto. If I see something that needs to be done, I do it. Regardless of if its meant to be someone elses problem who is below or above my title. If I can do it, Ill do it. Period. Thats the only way to make sure things get done and in the long run it helps out how my day goes/how my job is done in the long run. 

When I got home today my amazing husband had dinner made and the munchkin swimming in the pool in the back yard that he set up for me. hahahaha, he said he almost passed out blowing up the damn thing because the pump broke. There is nothing more relaxing and blissful than coming home to a happy home. It took us 10 years to get here and him and I are still on a constant battle to make things work but we are so blessed in the fact that we love each other so much and we both try, and that when things do work they work amazingly. I love him so much and literally hate myself for the time we ever spent apart due to my pride or his and both of our stupidity. But that is also what was needed so that we could learn to love each other and appreciate each other how we are suppose to and to the absolute fullest. He is still getting use to being a step dad but he is doing a great job of it. I know that no one is ever a perfect parent and we are never really prepared for being parents, but he has stepped up to the plate and again is at least trying. To which, makes my munchkin a happy little camper. She loves her step dad and I know she is happy which is all that truly matters.   

1st world Problems

1st world problems, 
We generally dont think our problems are anything but our problems and even the most trival things give us cause to complain and put them above others. I feel so ashamed that I am so stressed out at the moment about my jobs and family stress and things that I know I am taking for granted when others have literally nothing. These issues are considered 1st world problems, i.e. the lady at starbucks made your coffee wrong, you pay for the most expensive wifi and its not working as fast as it should, you have to many clothes and not enough closet space, you have so much food that you dont know what to cook for dinner so you order out. Those are all first world issues that are literally not issues but we stress about them. My husband, bless his very well intended heart, has been so stressed out because in our house we dont have the best furniture and hes seen other peoples houses around us and they have matching curtains and stuff. It makes him feel terrible because we dont. However, I have never been super crazy about having super nice furniture, mainly because I know how stupid it is. I know and have seen first hand what happens when life throws a curve ball or life ends. That expensive furniture that your kids and pets cant get on so your house look barely lived in, just end up at goodwill or in a yard sale. He thinks because we are a family now that, that is what is expected of us. I on the other hand could care less about that. I would much rather spend money on more important things, like traveling with my family or things that we actually need. I am content with the furniture we have, I know we can do better and I know we will but I also know that Rome wasnt built in a day and neither will our lived be built in a day. 
I am really stressed though about my jobs. I need to be making some serious money in order to 1. Get out of debt and 2. help out more around here. I hate that my husband feels like Im so use to having someone else take care of me when I am not! I have been on my feet before, I have kicked ass before. I have also had a breakdown and a bunch of bad luck since then. One thing after another for the last 2 years just kicking me in the ass and knocking me back down. I have been trying to get back up and by Gods will I will get back up on my own 2 feet and he will not see me as such a failure. 

Restless Minds But Wonder

                            As I lay here in bed, my mind restless because this is where I spent most of the day anyway with a terrible migraine, I cannot help but wonder to the far reaches of my mind and be damned the facebook posts that started the whole wandering. 
                                           Someone posted how if someone you care about doesnt message you for 3, 6, or 12 hours then they must be messaging someone else. 
                              WTF?!?!?! No. Simply, no! If someone doesnt message you for 3, 6, or 12 hours its because they are busy. They have a job, kids, responsibilities, and other shit to deal with besides just you. It sounds harsh but it really isnt and I am only speaking from experience. 
                             I use to be so swept away with how long it took people to message me or how I had no one to talk to but it was because I had no life and they did. So, I made myself just as busy and guess what? Shit is great now! 
                            People dont always need people. Infact it is a privledge and complete lie that we honestly need anyone. We dont. We need air, water, food, and shelter but we do not need people. Sure, you get lonely, you miss people, and you miss the times with people but it is not something we need. 
                           I refuse to admit that I need anyone and it is a HUGE thing if I say I need you. My husband finally understands that about me and has always been adiment about trying to get me to renounce the fact I need him. Maybe it is because of his job and all the danger that goes along with that but besides him and my munchkin, I do not need people. They come and go. I love deeply, I care deeply for those that are in my life but the inevitable fact of the matter is, need is not how I would describe any of our relationships. 
                             Dont count me a cynic. I know what it means to lose a parent, to never get to say goodbye, and the pain that death brings. I have lost several people that have meant the absolute world to me but God has either blessed me or cursed me with the inner strength to always survive mentally and move on. And I use to be naive and sit there and think the worst if I had not heard from my then boyfriend (now husband) and some of the times I was right but more often then not, I just ended up looking like a fool and causing a rift between us because I was too clingy and up his ass all the time. No one wants that. In another relationship I felt the opposite side of that and learned whole heart-idly to appreciate my me time and the distance a few hours can bring. If someone special isnt messaging you or responding to your text then oh bloody well. Go do something for you, leave the phone for a bit and make yourself a life. Make them miss you and message you. If they are talking to someone else, thats because their world does not revolve around you and you should be thankful for that. If they long for you, then they will message, call, or whatever when they have a bit of free time and if they do not then learn something from that. Some people just arent meant to be together or the timing is wrong. 
                                  Hell, it took my husband and I 10 years to finally tie the knot. We went back and forth since high school. He had other relationships, I had other relationships, and we both had to learn a few things about the world and ourselves before we vould appreciate each other fully. We all wish when we are younger and hearing fairy tale romances that that is how it will be but the world isnt like that anymore. 
                               Fairy tales arent real and the pride or greed of everyone has just gotten bigger and bigger. Not to mention the vanity and narcissism. There is no secret to us anymore. Its blasted on social media 24/7. Porn has blasted away any secret there was to sex, lust, and love. The internet and smart phones have made that accessible all the time, and social media where you update your status every 10 minutes has made it to where the "missing" of someone is almost impossible because you always know what they are up to, where they are, hell what they are eating. There was once a time when letters that took days or weeks to reach one another were the only ways to find that stuff out and they were so much more fluid, vivid, and beautiful. You fell in love with a persons mind, their words, and not their over sexualized facebook pic. 
                                We literally have this space age device in our hands all the time. A text message literally takes just moments, seconds, to travel all the way up to a satelliteand then across whatever amount of distance to the other person. But we complain if the person takes more than a minute to respond. Its ridiculous. All of this I had to learn from time and fucking up and being a stupid naive clingy person but I learned it and I saw my flaws. 
                                  Lord help the future.                                      

Do we think about what goes into our bodies??

Do we think about what goes into our bodies? 

That is a serious question that, thanks in large part to facebook, I am thinking about this morning. 

http://www.iflscience.com/plants-and-animals/would-mouse-dissolve-mountain-dew-30-days

Follow that link to a page in which they take a dead rat (purchased at a pet store) and in the name of science and to prove/disprove a real court case, saw what would happen if you placed it in mountain dew for 30 days. 

True to what pepsi said, the mouse not only dissolved beyond recognition (besides the tail) but it formed a gooey substance no longer even looking like mountain dew anymore. 

And just to think, some people dont brush their teeth after drinking that stuff. If it can dissolve an entire rat, what do you think it can do to the enamel on your teeth, your intestines, your tissue? We have all done that experiment back in like junior high where you place a nail inside of a jar with coke a cola and dont touch it till the end of school. Usually only to fine out that the coke has eaten its way through the nail and all that remains in shards of what use to be considered a nail. 

I stopped drinking sodas after that. Not only where they making me fat but just the thought of what they had to of been doing to my teeth and internal organs. I literally got sick. I will admit that over the years I have drank soda as a chaser with alcohol and stuff like that but I am far from a "regular" soda drinker on that main principle alone. Its more of a "when I drink, I smoke" situations. No, I do not actually smoke. EW. Nor have I ever smoked or will I ever smoke. Screw that. 

If youve ever listened to the country song, you will understand what I mean, but anyway back to the original subject.

Its not just sodas to think about, what about all the other majorly processed food that we eat? 

Its astounding to see food that is consumed like crazy here in America, that is completely illegal in other countries because they have already discovered the fact that that shit will make you sick and causes cancer. We are so lazy that instead of listening to the caution of 'hey that shit isnt real food, its literally only one chemical away from being considered plastic' we are like "yolo, its quick, cheap, and tastes great. Who cares if its slowly destroying me from the inside out'. 

Long rant over, just think about the foods and drink that you are allowing into your body. 

Deltas' Domain! Welcome readers!!!

Hello readers!!! Welcome to my new blog, Deltas' Domain! 

I had another blog for quite some years but as all things it has become something no longer needed or pertinent to my journey. 

To begin, my name is Delta. No, its not my real name. It is actually a nick name that the love of my life gave me quite a few years ago. He says he doesnt remember why he started calling me Delta but its meaning is something I will always cherish. 

A little background that maybe some of you can relate to; I am a 25 year old mother of one (for the moment), newly married, dental assistant, journalist, and cosmetologist. I absolutely love animals, I dont give a damn about being politically correct, and I may offend at some point. Which, honestly I think some people need to get over. If we arent offending people at one point or another then we are not doing our jobs to be true to ourselves and our own beliefs. Instead of getting offended by everything under the sun, maybe grow some thicker skin or get up off your' high horse. There are plenty of things about this world that I dont agree with and plenty of people who would do or say things that might hurt my feelings but unless that person is paying my bills, living my life, or are in my shoes then I dont give one single fuck about their opinion. Its theirs and I respect them for it but it doesnt mean that I have to pay any mind to it, especially if it upsets me. 

I would absolutely love and enjoy speaking with any of you out there. I had quite a few pen pals from my last blog reaching all the way to china and iceland. I love reading stories of your' lives. I love the interaction and the friendships that blossom because of it. Please feel free to comment, follow, subscribe, message, or share my blog. 

As always, thank you for reading and until next time have a wonderful day/night where ever you may be in the world. 

-Delta